"That which does not kill us makes us stronger."

tonight i sit here with tears in my eyes. i just got an email to remind me of a fundraiser walk in town for a little boy cancer. he was diagnosed at age 6, and now he is 9 and just relapsed. his little sister is in carter' class. we got a notice last week that dana farber was going into his class to talk to the kids about cancer. they were doing this to help the little girl with her brother's condition. their dad is also the gym teacher in the school. anyways, long story short, i was thinking about this family tonight.

i have also been thinking of a few of my friends going through difficult times right now. i really wish i could give them each of a big hug and tell them it is all going to be ok.

sometimes life just doesn't seem fair. i think we all hit a bump in the road when we question everything. when life keeps throwing us curve balls, and we are suppose to carry on with our heads held high.

i am so glad that i have discovered this world of blogging. not only am i able to get out my own thoughts, emotions, vents, and share some pictures. i am able to read the thoughts and emotions of my friends. i really wish i had this as an outlet when i hit my lowest point.

2004 was the worst year in my life. from start to finish, it just sucked!!! i don't want to recount each painful month, but he major lows were that my brother died unexpectedly, my dad got diagnosed with colon cancer, my grandmother died, and i was struggling with infertility.

i felt like i had to keep it together and i would cry in the shower everyday so that carter didn't see me. i saw a therapist, went on anti-depressants, and i just kept on going. i think people were afraid to ask how i was doing - maybe they didn't want to hear the answer. i am usually the one who is there for everyone, and i really just needed someone to listen.

the good thing about blogs, is that you don't have to wait for someone to ask how you are doing. you can just type exactly what is on your mind.

i have been doing a lot of thinking lately. this year will mark the 5th anniversary of my brother's death. i cried everyday from july 22, 2004 - july 22, 2005. i got a phone call on the 1 year anniversary of his death from my doctor's office. i was pregnant! after 16 months of fertility issues, i was finally pregnant. that is the day my life changed.

i was no longer mourning a death, i was going to celebrate a life. at that point i really changed my emotional thought process. i really do believe everything that i went through has made me who i am today.

one of things i love most in this world are newborn babies. for me they are just everything perfect in the world. i could hold one all day and night. i wouldn't say i loved getting up with a newborn at 3 am, but i didn't mind it at all. it was quality time, and i knew it wouldn't last forever. it's not that i didn't love carter, but i don't think i appreciated him as much as i did mason.

funny, how one email about a 9 year old with cancer can lead to all these thoughts. i guess what i am trying to say, is that even though 2004 was the worst year of my life, it has made me who i am today... and through my pain, i have become a strong, sensitive and compassionate person.