it is 11:04 pm, and soon we will be ringing in the new year.
we had a couple friends over tonight with their kids. we ate lots of yummy appetizers and dessert, played with the wii, and just hung out in our comfy clothes. it was perfect!
2009 was a great year. i love looking back at this blog and seeing all the things we did. i also love watching hadley grow. the first year is always so amazing.
i hate how the year ended, but we really did have a good year. i am hopeful that 2010 will be wonderful. maybe we will have baby #4, or at least get pregnant again. i think that this m/c had made craig and i realize how much we do want another baby. i am really hoping we can find a way to go on a family vacation. that would be an amazing way to celebrate 10 years of marriage.
i hope everyone has a happy and healthy 2010!!!!
We spend January 1 walking through our lives, room by room, drawing up a list of work to be done, cracks to be patched. Maybe this year, to balance the list, we ought to walk through the rooms of our lives... not looking for flaws, but for potential. ~Ellen Goodman
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Sunday, December 27, 2009
thankful
physically i am starting to feel better today... it has been a rough couple of days. emotionally, i am still in a bit of denial, and really haven't had time to grieve. my focus has been on the holiday, the kids, and my health. i have pushed my emotions to the back and when things quiet down, i am sure everything will sink in.
as i sit here i can't help but think of all the things i am thankful for...
*my friends and family for being so supportive and checking in on me.
*my 3 beautiful children who keep me smiling, even when i want to cry.
*comfy pajamas and cozy socks. i have literally lived in them since wed. afternoon, and put on a fresh pair after each shower.
*my amazing husband. craig has been so strong and supportive. he has taken over all the responsibilities in the house and with the kids for the last few days. he has made sure i am ok, and don't need anything. when i am in pain, he is right there next to me. and when i need to cry, he is there to give me the biggest hug. i just love him so much!!!
tomorrow i am going to rejoin society. i am going to get dressed in real clothes, and take the boys over to their friend's house for a play date. i am also going to start packing away all the christmas decorations, and get my house back.
wish me luck!!!!
as i sit here i can't help but think of all the things i am thankful for...
*my friends and family for being so supportive and checking in on me.
*my 3 beautiful children who keep me smiling, even when i want to cry.
*comfy pajamas and cozy socks. i have literally lived in them since wed. afternoon, and put on a fresh pair after each shower.
*my amazing husband. craig has been so strong and supportive. he has taken over all the responsibilities in the house and with the kids for the last few days. he has made sure i am ok, and don't need anything. when i am in pain, he is right there next to me. and when i need to cry, he is there to give me the biggest hug. i just love him so much!!!
tomorrow i am going to rejoin society. i am going to get dressed in real clothes, and take the boys over to their friend's house for a play date. i am also going to start packing away all the christmas decorations, and get my house back.
wish me luck!!!!
Friday, December 25, 2009
merry christmas
well, the last few days have not exactly gone how we planned, but we have managed to survive...
yesterday my parents came over in the morning to watch the kids for the day while we headed to the hospital. they brought the kids all their presents, made cookies, and made sure they had a fun day. even though i was heart broken, and hated that i had to have surgery on x-mas eve, i was even more upset that the kids wouldn't have the christmas eve i had planned.
the hospital was pretty empty, and everyone seemed to be waiting for me. as soon as we walked in, they knew who we were. we went up to pre-op and the nurse gave me a hug and was very nice to us. they got me changed, iv started and then the doctor, or nurse, and 3 anesthesiologist came in to meet with me. they gave me something to calm my nerves, and told me i would be knocked out before the procedure. the last thing i remember was telling them my iv hurt, and then i was waking up in recovery. i woke up crying, and just so sad. it was hard to wake up.
on the ride home the cramps started. "minor discomfort" really doesn't really come close to the pain i felt yesterday. it was more like painful contractions. when i got home i tried to just lay down and relax. after we were settled, my parents left.
we got the kids in their new pajamas, read "twas the night before christmas", put out cookies and chocolate milk for santa, and put them to bed.
craig then took on the job as "santa". he brought up all the gifts, got everything ready. he really is an amazing husband and father. he has been so good to me, and has helped me through this whole process.
i went up to bed, took tylenol pm and off to sleep i went. i didn't wake up until carter came to get me this morning at 7:00 am.
this morning the kids were so excited!!! we all came down and started christmas by opening presents, and eating food. all day we stayed in our pj's, ate whatever we wanted and played with the new toys. craig and i gave the boys wii, and that was fun to play. my parents decided not to come back today and just let us rest, which was much appreciated. tonight, we are watching the hangover and resting. so not quite the christmas i planned, but it was nice.
i am not in as much pain as yesterday... just "crampy" and uncomfortable. i am trying to be in the moment with the kids, but sometimes the sadness comes over me. i guess that is normal, and expected. i have canceled all plans for the weekend, and i am just staying home, in my pj's and allowing myself this time to grieve.
here are some pictures from today...
yesterday my parents came over in the morning to watch the kids for the day while we headed to the hospital. they brought the kids all their presents, made cookies, and made sure they had a fun day. even though i was heart broken, and hated that i had to have surgery on x-mas eve, i was even more upset that the kids wouldn't have the christmas eve i had planned.
the hospital was pretty empty, and everyone seemed to be waiting for me. as soon as we walked in, they knew who we were. we went up to pre-op and the nurse gave me a hug and was very nice to us. they got me changed, iv started and then the doctor, or nurse, and 3 anesthesiologist came in to meet with me. they gave me something to calm my nerves, and told me i would be knocked out before the procedure. the last thing i remember was telling them my iv hurt, and then i was waking up in recovery. i woke up crying, and just so sad. it was hard to wake up.
on the ride home the cramps started. "minor discomfort" really doesn't really come close to the pain i felt yesterday. it was more like painful contractions. when i got home i tried to just lay down and relax. after we were settled, my parents left.
we got the kids in their new pajamas, read "twas the night before christmas", put out cookies and chocolate milk for santa, and put them to bed.
craig then took on the job as "santa". he brought up all the gifts, got everything ready. he really is an amazing husband and father. he has been so good to me, and has helped me through this whole process.
i went up to bed, took tylenol pm and off to sleep i went. i didn't wake up until carter came to get me this morning at 7:00 am.
this morning the kids were so excited!!! we all came down and started christmas by opening presents, and eating food. all day we stayed in our pj's, ate whatever we wanted and played with the new toys. craig and i gave the boys wii, and that was fun to play. my parents decided not to come back today and just let us rest, which was much appreciated. tonight, we are watching the hangover and resting. so not quite the christmas i planned, but it was nice.
i am not in as much pain as yesterday... just "crampy" and uncomfortable. i am trying to be in the moment with the kids, but sometimes the sadness comes over me. i guess that is normal, and expected. i have canceled all plans for the weekend, and i am just staying home, in my pj's and allowing myself this time to grieve.
here are some pictures from today...
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
it's over...
today i went in for my follow up u/s and it did not go well. as soon as she put the wand in, i could tell that the baby was the same size it was last time. usually the first thing they do is show you the heartbeat so you can relax and then they go along with all the measurements. well, i couldn't see a heartbeat, and she was quick looking around my uterus, and then she turned off the monitor and told me she was sorry.
tears starting flowing, and craig and i just sat in silence. i was told to get dressed and she would find a doctor. a few minutes later i was asked to go into an exam room and wait for the doctor. dr. kattal came in, and this was the first time i met her. she did an internal exam and then gave us our options.
both craig and i decided we wanted to do the d&c. the idea of having a m/c at home just didn't seem appealing to me. and since i still have my pregnancy symptoms, and nature doesn't seem to be taking its course, the d&c will get things over with faster. i really just want to move on.
i cried the whole ride home, and craig went back to his office and packed up and came home soon after me. once home i had to call my mom and break the news to her.
this was one of the hardest phone calls i have ever made. i was crying when i called, so she couldn't understand me. finally i had to tell her that i was pregnant and had a miscarriage all in the same conversation. i felt so bad for her... she was shocked, and sad, and didn't really get exactly what was going on. i had to tell her we were going to surprise her with the pregnancy news at christmas, but today i found out that the baby passed away. i also had to tell her that the pregnancy was a surprise to us... my mom is the best. she just kept telling me she was sorry and that she would do whatever i needed. i finally got off the phone with her and told her i would give her time to process everything.
so tomorrow my parents are coming down to watch the kids, then craig and i will be heading to the hospital for the d&c. it is scheduled for 1:30 pm. i am sad that i won't be up for celebrating x-mas eve. we got the boys a wii, and were going to give it to them on x-mas eve and make breakfast for dinner. now, who knows what the night will be like.
my parents were going to come down friday for christmas, but i told them to just bring all the presents tomorrow and let the kids have fun opening them.
i also got a call from georgia (my doctor) who was on-call at the hospital. it was so nice to hear from her. she just told me how sorry she was for us, and it doesn't matter that i have 3 kids, that it still hurts. she also agreed that the d&c was the best option for me. it was just very comforting to get a call from her.
so, this is not the christmas i had hoped for. i am sad, and depressed, but i need to move on and be strong for carter, mason and hadley. i want to make sure they have an amazing christmas and vacation.
Merry Christmas!
tears starting flowing, and craig and i just sat in silence. i was told to get dressed and she would find a doctor. a few minutes later i was asked to go into an exam room and wait for the doctor. dr. kattal came in, and this was the first time i met her. she did an internal exam and then gave us our options.
both craig and i decided we wanted to do the d&c. the idea of having a m/c at home just didn't seem appealing to me. and since i still have my pregnancy symptoms, and nature doesn't seem to be taking its course, the d&c will get things over with faster. i really just want to move on.
i cried the whole ride home, and craig went back to his office and packed up and came home soon after me. once home i had to call my mom and break the news to her.
this was one of the hardest phone calls i have ever made. i was crying when i called, so she couldn't understand me. finally i had to tell her that i was pregnant and had a miscarriage all in the same conversation. i felt so bad for her... she was shocked, and sad, and didn't really get exactly what was going on. i had to tell her we were going to surprise her with the pregnancy news at christmas, but today i found out that the baby passed away. i also had to tell her that the pregnancy was a surprise to us... my mom is the best. she just kept telling me she was sorry and that she would do whatever i needed. i finally got off the phone with her and told her i would give her time to process everything.
so tomorrow my parents are coming down to watch the kids, then craig and i will be heading to the hospital for the d&c. it is scheduled for 1:30 pm. i am sad that i won't be up for celebrating x-mas eve. we got the boys a wii, and were going to give it to them on x-mas eve and make breakfast for dinner. now, who knows what the night will be like.
my parents were going to come down friday for christmas, but i told them to just bring all the presents tomorrow and let the kids have fun opening them.
i also got a call from georgia (my doctor) who was on-call at the hospital. it was so nice to hear from her. she just told me how sorry she was for us, and it doesn't matter that i have 3 kids, that it still hurts. she also agreed that the d&c was the best option for me. it was just very comforting to get a call from her.
so, this is not the christmas i had hoped for. i am sad, and depressed, but i need to move on and be strong for carter, mason and hadley. i want to make sure they have an amazing christmas and vacation.
Merry Christmas!
Sunday, December 20, 2009
TIRED
I. AM. TIRED.
i honestly feel like i have been going nonstop for over a month now. i have hosted 4 parties at my house, then had to do lots for hadley's birthday, and christmas. i am the room mother for mason's class, so i had the fun task of collecting money for the teacher's class gift. i do the majority of the shopping in our house, so i am at the grocery store, or target everyday for something. i also squeezed in hadley's 1 year pictures and i am just done.
today we are snowed in and i couldn't be happier!!!! we have over a foot of snow, and it is still coming down. it is almost lunch time and we are still in our pj's, and haven't done anything today.
when the boys woke up this morning... or actually when craig and i finally got out of bed and brought the kids downstairs, we surprised the boys with a gift each. we got carter celtics tickets to the game tonight, and a new celtics sweatshirt. he was so excited!!! we decided sine carter got a special gift, we wanted to give mason something too. since the leapster we had died, we got mason a new leapster 2. today our boys are very happy and think mom and dad are awesome!!!!!
hadley is walking everywhere... she is a bit more steady everyday!!! she looks so big now just walking around!
three more days until my next u/s. i have been so nervous since my last one. i am just praying everything is ok, and my dates were off. i still haven't told my parents, and i am shocked i have kept it to myself for so long. i just think it will be an amazing gift on christmas to give them. i did tell some girlfriends when they were over last week for a cookie swap. they were so excited for me. it makes it feel more real when you share the news.
i tried to take a picture of all 3 kids yesterday... and this was the best one. why is it so hard????
even though i love this time of year, i am looking forward to dec. 28th... that will be the first day we have nothing to do!!!! craig and the kids are on vacation until jan. 4th, and i think we all need this vacation this year.
i honestly feel like i have been going nonstop for over a month now. i have hosted 4 parties at my house, then had to do lots for hadley's birthday, and christmas. i am the room mother for mason's class, so i had the fun task of collecting money for the teacher's class gift. i do the majority of the shopping in our house, so i am at the grocery store, or target everyday for something. i also squeezed in hadley's 1 year pictures and i am just done.
today we are snowed in and i couldn't be happier!!!! we have over a foot of snow, and it is still coming down. it is almost lunch time and we are still in our pj's, and haven't done anything today.
when the boys woke up this morning... or actually when craig and i finally got out of bed and brought the kids downstairs, we surprised the boys with a gift each. we got carter celtics tickets to the game tonight, and a new celtics sweatshirt. he was so excited!!! we decided sine carter got a special gift, we wanted to give mason something too. since the leapster we had died, we got mason a new leapster 2. today our boys are very happy and think mom and dad are awesome!!!!!
hadley is walking everywhere... she is a bit more steady everyday!!! she looks so big now just walking around!
three more days until my next u/s. i have been so nervous since my last one. i am just praying everything is ok, and my dates were off. i still haven't told my parents, and i am shocked i have kept it to myself for so long. i just think it will be an amazing gift on christmas to give them. i did tell some girlfriends when they were over last week for a cookie swap. they were so excited for me. it makes it feel more real when you share the news.
i tried to take a picture of all 3 kids yesterday... and this was the best one. why is it so hard????
even though i love this time of year, i am looking forward to dec. 28th... that will be the first day we have nothing to do!!!! craig and the kids are on vacation until jan. 4th, and i think we all need this vacation this year.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
so, here's my update...
Friday, Nov. 13th
shocked! that is what i was this morning when i saw two pink lines.... for anyone who has ever taken a pregnancy test, you know exactly what i am talking about. some women are praying to one day see those two lines, and others are scared. today i was neither. i was just shocked!
two days ago (nov. 11th) mason asked me a funny question. he asked when our baby was coming... i asked him to repeat himself, and then asked if my belly looked big (i felt bloated). he said no, my belly didn't look big, and then when i asked why he said that, he just responded "never mind".
his question did get me thinking. the only other time he said something like that is when my sil was pregnant, before she was showing.
so i get out my calendar where i always track my cycle and for some reason i never marked anything down for oct. so i am counting and trying to figure out when it was, so i can figure out when i was due for good old af. long story short, i can narrow down the week i had it, but no clue to the day. but from my calculations, i should have already got my period for this month. i figured i would wait until friday and then test if i still don't have it.
btw, i had a pregnancy test in my closet from months ago when my cycle was a bit crazy. i couldn't even begin to count all the negative pregnancy tests i have used in the years i was actually ttc. honestly, i was thinking i would take this silly test, it would be negative and then i would get my period an hour later.
******
ok, it is now after lunch and guess what? the test is still positive! lol this is the first time i only took one test, and not 5 or 6. this is also the first time i got pregnant without actively ttc. i am such a planner, and i think that is why i am so shocked. of course, of all days, craig will be late tonight, and i am sitting here ready to burst!!! he always said he is a bit sad he never got the big surprise of walking through the door and getting this kinda news. well, that will change after tonight.
one more thing... i am not upset at all. i have always wanted 4 kids. i am not even scared, really i think i am just shocked (have i used that word enough today?) my other 3 pregnancies were so well thought out, and it took 16 months to get pregnant with mason, and 6+ months for hadley and each of them i was seeing my ob/gyn regularly, and needed a little bit of help with medication. honestly, i really didn't even think i would be able to get pregnant again w/out help.
******
well, i waited all day and craig finally got home around 7:30ish. i put a note in the master's bathroom, along with the positive pregnancy test. i was listening to craig say goodnight to the boys and then i heard him go into our room to get changed. then he must have gone in the bathroom, and then i heard him come downstairs and i waited on the couch for his reaction. he was so happy! he gave me a big hug, and i got tears in my eyes. we tried to put our shock into words but didn't get very far...
i'll call my doctor's office on monday and figure out what's next. you would think i was an old pro by now!!!
Tuesday, Nov. 17th
ok, so the shock of this is finally fading away. i do feel like i am keeping a big secret inside and i am ready to burst!!! i picked up my prenatal vitamins, so now i guess it is starting to feel more real. i called my ob yesterday and i am going in tomorrow for a blood test. i am nervous for that... i never start out with high numbers and always have to go back to make sure they are doubling in the right time frame. i would love to do one blood draw tomorrow and be done with it. once i get the results of that back i think they will schedule my first few appointments.
i am already starting to feel nauseous... just not quite myself. i am tired, and want just a 1/2 cup of coffee, but that is making me feel sick too. i feel like i am too early to have these feeling already.
craig has been wonderful! he is happy, and calm and everything i need him to be right now...
i guess i will give an update once i know the results of my beta test... fingers crossed!!!!
Thursday, Nov. 19th
well, i'm pregnant! i talked to the nurse, and she said my blood test came out positive for pregnancy, but my number seemed a bit low for where she thought i should be (beta was 106). she then said i probably just ovulated later... well, i have no idea when i ovulated but i do know that my body tends to ovulate on the later side. (since i have 3 pregnancies under my belt.)
so, my appointment is scheduled for dec. 9th. i will get an u/s to date the pregnancy and then meet with the nurse to do all my paper work. my chart was already double the size of most patients there... good lord it is going to be a thick one!!!
oh, and while i was on the phone with the nurse she heard hadley playing in the background. she made some comment about whether or not i was happy with the pregnancy news. i said i always wanted four kids, but i am just a little surprised since we were not trying. she seemed shocked that i wanted four, and then told me how busy she is with her three... really lady?
i guess this is only beginning of the comments i will get. people will think i am crazy for having four (since they thought i was crazy for wanting four). add in the fact hadley will only be 19 months old, and yeah, i can see the looks and reactions now.
i am just praying that the next month goes by quickly...
Monday, Nov. 23rd
why am i so afraid to tell anyone that i am pregnant? i usually am not spilling my news to everyone, but i am usually excited to tell my parents and sil. i actually feel guilty that i have seen andra (my sil) twice since i found out and have not shared the news with her.
i originally wanted to wait until christmas to share my news, but i don't think i will be able to hold out that long. i feel bloated, and sick to my stomach with no desire to eat. december is a busy month with parties, and get togethers. we celebrate christmas with my side and hanukkah with craig's family.
i would love to tell my parents on thanksgiving, but i know once i do the 20 questions will start. i am not ready to play that game right now. i really need to wait until after my first u/s on dec. 9th and then i will know when my due date is which will be everyone's first question. i feel a bit dumb saying, "i don't know..."
i did share my news with kelly, who is one of my best friends. we went shopping and out to dinner the day after i found out, so i needed to spill the news to someone. i also shared it with a few of my close friends that i met on message board years ago. they are always very supportive, and i knew that would be just what i needed.
so for now i just sit, ready to explode with my news!
Wednesday, Nov. 25th
tonight i am the only one who is still up in my house. it is the night before thanksgiving and i am so thankful to be pregnant. i am also so scared that something may happen, and i am starting to fall in love. i love this little life inside me, and i don't know anything about "it".
i am the dreamer in the family, and i love to think about whether it will be a boy or girl, what names i like, how i will decorate the nursery, etc.
i have never had a m/c and i wonder if this time will be like the others, or will this be the one i lose?
i need to just stop and bring myself back to reality. tonight i am sitting on the couch, watching oprah, and i am pregnant. i am very thankful to be pregnant...
Wednesday, Dec. 2nd
one more week to go until the big u/s... i can't wait! truth be told, i am not feeling too great these days. i actually went to the grocery store today, but didn't have it in me to go inside. i did have my first craving... a chocolate milk shake from mcdonald's. my wonderful husband got me one and it was yummy!!!
my bloat is out of control. thank god it is fleece and sweater season... i don't know how much longer i can hide this. i did finally tell my sil last weekend. i had felt so guilty not sharing the news with her right away. my parents still don't know. i was tempted to tell them over thanksgiving, but my dad really has a big mouth. they are going to be blown away!!!
for now i have hadley's birthday to keep me occupied for the next week. her party is saturday, birthday is monday and one year appointment is tuesday. i also have my mom spending the night on friday night, and my niece sleeping over on saturday. lots to keep me busy!!!
i am praying for a healthy u/s next week and to find out when my due date is.
Monday, Dec. 7th
today is hadley's birthday. i was able to make it through her birthday weekend and kept my secret. boy, was it hard! my mom was here from friday to saturday, and there was about 100 times i wanted to tell her, but i didn't. i really want to surprise them when i have all my facts. i also don't think it would be fair to ask her to keep it from my dad, and since he has such a big mouth, and i don't want the world knowing yet, it is best to keep it to myself.
i have not been feeling that great lately, and with all the birthday and holiday preparations i have been so tired. craig has been wonderful!!! he has been helping me out so much!!! when he gets home i can rest and relax and he will take over. even my mom kept saying how great he is and that he helps out so much. i am so lucky!!!
just a couple more days until my appointment and then hopefully i can start sharing my news.
Wednesday, Dec. 9th
so i had my appointment this morning. it is usually a 40 minute drive, but with the weather it took 1.5 hours. craig took the day off, so he drove us which was nice.
when i walked in, i saw my doctor, and she came over and gave me and craig both big hugs! it was great to see her since my appointment was with a nurse today.
i had my u/s and everything looked good. i don't know exactly when my lmp was, but i have been thinking i was around 7-8 weeks. the u/s showed the sac, a baby and the heartbeat. the h/r was 119 and the baby measured 6w1d. they said everything looked perfect.
when i met with the nurse, i questioned the 2 week difference, and she just assured me everything looked good. if the baby was suppose to be 8 weeks but only measuring 6 then the h/r would have been slower. to ease my mind she agreed to have me go back in 2 weeks to make sure everything is right on track.
so that's my update... i am trying to stay positive, but also realistic.
*** i debated to publish this post or not. since this is my blog i felt that i wanted to get my thoughts down now before it got too late. i am not "public" yet with my family and friends, and would like to wait until after my next u/s on dec. 23rd.
shocked! that is what i was this morning when i saw two pink lines.... for anyone who has ever taken a pregnancy test, you know exactly what i am talking about. some women are praying to one day see those two lines, and others are scared. today i was neither. i was just shocked!
two days ago (nov. 11th) mason asked me a funny question. he asked when our baby was coming... i asked him to repeat himself, and then asked if my belly looked big (i felt bloated). he said no, my belly didn't look big, and then when i asked why he said that, he just responded "never mind".
his question did get me thinking. the only other time he said something like that is when my sil was pregnant, before she was showing.
so i get out my calendar where i always track my cycle and for some reason i never marked anything down for oct. so i am counting and trying to figure out when it was, so i can figure out when i was due for good old af. long story short, i can narrow down the week i had it, but no clue to the day. but from my calculations, i should have already got my period for this month. i figured i would wait until friday and then test if i still don't have it.
btw, i had a pregnancy test in my closet from months ago when my cycle was a bit crazy. i couldn't even begin to count all the negative pregnancy tests i have used in the years i was actually ttc. honestly, i was thinking i would take this silly test, it would be negative and then i would get my period an hour later.
******
ok, it is now after lunch and guess what? the test is still positive! lol this is the first time i only took one test, and not 5 or 6. this is also the first time i got pregnant without actively ttc. i am such a planner, and i think that is why i am so shocked. of course, of all days, craig will be late tonight, and i am sitting here ready to burst!!! he always said he is a bit sad he never got the big surprise of walking through the door and getting this kinda news. well, that will change after tonight.
one more thing... i am not upset at all. i have always wanted 4 kids. i am not even scared, really i think i am just shocked (have i used that word enough today?) my other 3 pregnancies were so well thought out, and it took 16 months to get pregnant with mason, and 6+ months for hadley and each of them i was seeing my ob/gyn regularly, and needed a little bit of help with medication. honestly, i really didn't even think i would be able to get pregnant again w/out help.
******
well, i waited all day and craig finally got home around 7:30ish. i put a note in the master's bathroom, along with the positive pregnancy test. i was listening to craig say goodnight to the boys and then i heard him go into our room to get changed. then he must have gone in the bathroom, and then i heard him come downstairs and i waited on the couch for his reaction. he was so happy! he gave me a big hug, and i got tears in my eyes. we tried to put our shock into words but didn't get very far...
i'll call my doctor's office on monday and figure out what's next. you would think i was an old pro by now!!!
Tuesday, Nov. 17th
ok, so the shock of this is finally fading away. i do feel like i am keeping a big secret inside and i am ready to burst!!! i picked up my prenatal vitamins, so now i guess it is starting to feel more real. i called my ob yesterday and i am going in tomorrow for a blood test. i am nervous for that... i never start out with high numbers and always have to go back to make sure they are doubling in the right time frame. i would love to do one blood draw tomorrow and be done with it. once i get the results of that back i think they will schedule my first few appointments.
i am already starting to feel nauseous... just not quite myself. i am tired, and want just a 1/2 cup of coffee, but that is making me feel sick too. i feel like i am too early to have these feeling already.
craig has been wonderful! he is happy, and calm and everything i need him to be right now...
i guess i will give an update once i know the results of my beta test... fingers crossed!!!!
Thursday, Nov. 19th
well, i'm pregnant! i talked to the nurse, and she said my blood test came out positive for pregnancy, but my number seemed a bit low for where she thought i should be (beta was 106). she then said i probably just ovulated later... well, i have no idea when i ovulated but i do know that my body tends to ovulate on the later side. (since i have 3 pregnancies under my belt.)
so, my appointment is scheduled for dec. 9th. i will get an u/s to date the pregnancy and then meet with the nurse to do all my paper work. my chart was already double the size of most patients there... good lord it is going to be a thick one!!!
oh, and while i was on the phone with the nurse she heard hadley playing in the background. she made some comment about whether or not i was happy with the pregnancy news. i said i always wanted four kids, but i am just a little surprised since we were not trying. she seemed shocked that i wanted four, and then told me how busy she is with her three... really lady?
i guess this is only beginning of the comments i will get. people will think i am crazy for having four (since they thought i was crazy for wanting four). add in the fact hadley will only be 19 months old, and yeah, i can see the looks and reactions now.
i am just praying that the next month goes by quickly...
Monday, Nov. 23rd
why am i so afraid to tell anyone that i am pregnant? i usually am not spilling my news to everyone, but i am usually excited to tell my parents and sil. i actually feel guilty that i have seen andra (my sil) twice since i found out and have not shared the news with her.
i originally wanted to wait until christmas to share my news, but i don't think i will be able to hold out that long. i feel bloated, and sick to my stomach with no desire to eat. december is a busy month with parties, and get togethers. we celebrate christmas with my side and hanukkah with craig's family.
i would love to tell my parents on thanksgiving, but i know once i do the 20 questions will start. i am not ready to play that game right now. i really need to wait until after my first u/s on dec. 9th and then i will know when my due date is which will be everyone's first question. i feel a bit dumb saying, "i don't know..."
i did share my news with kelly, who is one of my best friends. we went shopping and out to dinner the day after i found out, so i needed to spill the news to someone. i also shared it with a few of my close friends that i met on message board years ago. they are always very supportive, and i knew that would be just what i needed.
so for now i just sit, ready to explode with my news!
Wednesday, Nov. 25th
tonight i am the only one who is still up in my house. it is the night before thanksgiving and i am so thankful to be pregnant. i am also so scared that something may happen, and i am starting to fall in love. i love this little life inside me, and i don't know anything about "it".
i am the dreamer in the family, and i love to think about whether it will be a boy or girl, what names i like, how i will decorate the nursery, etc.
i have never had a m/c and i wonder if this time will be like the others, or will this be the one i lose?
i need to just stop and bring myself back to reality. tonight i am sitting on the couch, watching oprah, and i am pregnant. i am very thankful to be pregnant...
Wednesday, Dec. 2nd
one more week to go until the big u/s... i can't wait! truth be told, i am not feeling too great these days. i actually went to the grocery store today, but didn't have it in me to go inside. i did have my first craving... a chocolate milk shake from mcdonald's. my wonderful husband got me one and it was yummy!!!
my bloat is out of control. thank god it is fleece and sweater season... i don't know how much longer i can hide this. i did finally tell my sil last weekend. i had felt so guilty not sharing the news with her right away. my parents still don't know. i was tempted to tell them over thanksgiving, but my dad really has a big mouth. they are going to be blown away!!!
for now i have hadley's birthday to keep me occupied for the next week. her party is saturday, birthday is monday and one year appointment is tuesday. i also have my mom spending the night on friday night, and my niece sleeping over on saturday. lots to keep me busy!!!
i am praying for a healthy u/s next week and to find out when my due date is.
Monday, Dec. 7th
today is hadley's birthday. i was able to make it through her birthday weekend and kept my secret. boy, was it hard! my mom was here from friday to saturday, and there was about 100 times i wanted to tell her, but i didn't. i really want to surprise them when i have all my facts. i also don't think it would be fair to ask her to keep it from my dad, and since he has such a big mouth, and i don't want the world knowing yet, it is best to keep it to myself.
i have not been feeling that great lately, and with all the birthday and holiday preparations i have been so tired. craig has been wonderful!!! he has been helping me out so much!!! when he gets home i can rest and relax and he will take over. even my mom kept saying how great he is and that he helps out so much. i am so lucky!!!
just a couple more days until my appointment and then hopefully i can start sharing my news.
Wednesday, Dec. 9th
so i had my appointment this morning. it is usually a 40 minute drive, but with the weather it took 1.5 hours. craig took the day off, so he drove us which was nice.
when i walked in, i saw my doctor, and she came over and gave me and craig both big hugs! it was great to see her since my appointment was with a nurse today.
i had my u/s and everything looked good. i don't know exactly when my lmp was, but i have been thinking i was around 7-8 weeks. the u/s showed the sac, a baby and the heartbeat. the h/r was 119 and the baby measured 6w1d. they said everything looked perfect.
when i met with the nurse, i questioned the 2 week difference, and she just assured me everything looked good. if the baby was suppose to be 8 weeks but only measuring 6 then the h/r would have been slower. to ease my mind she agreed to have me go back in 2 weeks to make sure everything is right on track.
so that's my update... i am trying to stay positive, but also realistic.
*** i debated to publish this post or not. since this is my blog i felt that i wanted to get my thoughts down now before it got too late. i am not "public" yet with my family and friends, and would like to wait until after my next u/s on dec. 23rd.
Monday, December 7, 2009
Happy 1st Birthday Hadley!!!
Happy 1st Birthday Hadley!!!
wow... i can't believe my baby is 1 today!!! it just amazes me how fast the last year went by. i guess with 3 busy kids, time tends to go by a little faster!
you and your brothers have all been easy babies, but there was something different this time. this past year has been pure fun and joy. carter's first year was all about learning how to be a parent. mason was sick his whole first year. we saw lots of specialist at children's hospital, and every time he got sick, it went right to his lungs and we got sent to the hospital. it was very stressful. he also had a gross motor delay and was involved with early intervention. at times it was hard to enjoy his first year because of all the medical issues we were dealing with.
your first year has been so wonderful! you are an amazing sleeper, at night and for naps. you just go with the flow, which is an essential when you have two big brothers with busy schedules. you are a pretty good eater, and you are moving and grooving around. you love when you get to spend time with yaya and miss stephanie. you are such a good girl!!!!
Dear Hadley,
Happy 1st Birthday! I am so in love with you! You have added nothing but joy, love and laughter to our family. Your brothers love you so much, and so do Daddy and I.
You are so beautiful inside and out. I just look at you some days and can't believe you are ours. You are funny and sweet, and so much fun.
You are starting to take your first steps, and say your first words. Your brothers are so proud of you, and they love to give you high 5's and clap for you.
Last week when I hurt my back I was laying on the couch in the play room while you played. You came over to me and gave me a hug and kiss. It was just perfect!!!! You are so loving!
I can't wait to see how you grow! Who knows, maybe we can skip the awful 3's that your brothers have gone through? :)
Tonight I am going to make you lasagna for your special birthday dinner. It is your favorite dinner!
I love you Hadley. I hope you will always know how loved you are! I am so happy to be your mom!
Happy Birthday!!
Love & Kisses,
Mommy
here are some pictures from your winter "one"derland party last weekend. we had such a fun time celebrating with all our friends and family!
wow... i can't believe my baby is 1 today!!! it just amazes me how fast the last year went by. i guess with 3 busy kids, time tends to go by a little faster!
you and your brothers have all been easy babies, but there was something different this time. this past year has been pure fun and joy. carter's first year was all about learning how to be a parent. mason was sick his whole first year. we saw lots of specialist at children's hospital, and every time he got sick, it went right to his lungs and we got sent to the hospital. it was very stressful. he also had a gross motor delay and was involved with early intervention. at times it was hard to enjoy his first year because of all the medical issues we were dealing with.
your first year has been so wonderful! you are an amazing sleeper, at night and for naps. you just go with the flow, which is an essential when you have two big brothers with busy schedules. you are a pretty good eater, and you are moving and grooving around. you love when you get to spend time with yaya and miss stephanie. you are such a good girl!!!!
Dear Hadley,
Happy 1st Birthday! I am so in love with you! You have added nothing but joy, love and laughter to our family. Your brothers love you so much, and so do Daddy and I.
You are so beautiful inside and out. I just look at you some days and can't believe you are ours. You are funny and sweet, and so much fun.
You are starting to take your first steps, and say your first words. Your brothers are so proud of you, and they love to give you high 5's and clap for you.
Last week when I hurt my back I was laying on the couch in the play room while you played. You came over to me and gave me a hug and kiss. It was just perfect!!!! You are so loving!
I can't wait to see how you grow! Who knows, maybe we can skip the awful 3's that your brothers have gone through? :)
Tonight I am going to make you lasagna for your special birthday dinner. It is your favorite dinner!
I love you Hadley. I hope you will always know how loved you are! I am so happy to be your mom!
Happy Birthday!!
Love & Kisses,
Mommy
here are some pictures from your winter "one"derland party last weekend. we had such a fun time celebrating with all our friends and family!
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
how cute is this?
i had a wall in my family room that i wasn't sure what to do with... i ordered a decal from a seller on etsy (http://www.etsy.com/shop/homesweetwalls) and am so excited with how it came out!!!
thanksgiving feast
today we had mason's thanksgiving feast at school. it was so cute! the parents provided the food, and the kids sang a couple of songs. then each child was able to talked into the "microphone" and tell us what they were thankful for.
mason was thankful for his family, cars movie, and trains. i was so proud of him!!!
here is a line from one of the songs they sang... it cracked me up!
i'm glad i'm not a turkey, a turkey, a turkey
i'm glad i'm not a turkey on thanksgiving day.
they'll stuff you, and baste you, and then they will taste you
oh, i'm glad i'm not a turkey on thanksgiving day!
(this is mason w/ our neighbor skyler... she likes to dress herself! lol)
mason was thankful for his family, cars movie, and trains. i was so proud of him!!!
here is a line from one of the songs they sang... it cracked me up!
i'm glad i'm not a turkey, a turkey, a turkey
i'm glad i'm not a turkey on thanksgiving day.
they'll stuff you, and baste you, and then they will taste you
oh, i'm glad i'm not a turkey on thanksgiving day!
(this is mason w/ our neighbor skyler... she likes to dress herself! lol)
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
parent/teacher conference
this morning i had my parent/teacher conference with carter's teacher, mrs. riccio. let me just say that i really like her. she is nice, but let's the kids know her expectations. she seems very warm and really involved in the students. last year when carter was in kindergarten, all the parents were trying to get the gossip on the 1st grade teachers. i heard from the parents that mrs. riccio was a good teacher, just not "warm and fuzzy". i was ok, with that. the kids have so much time outside the class between all their specials (art, music, gym, library, spanish, health, etc.) lunch, and recess, that i figured when it was time to learn, i wanted him to do that. when i started to talk to kids who had mrs. riccio, they all loved her. i think their experience with her is more accurate. the most important thing is that our family really likes her. i love how organized she is, and carter is really having a great year!
i am happy to report that carter had a great report card! he got mostly M's (meets grade level expectations) and some S's (meets and often goes beyond grade level expectations). she said that carter is a rule follower, and a role model for good behavior. he does exactly what is asked of him, and is very respectful. i know my kids are not perfect, but to hear that he is so good at school is great! (the funny thing is his kindergarten teacher said the same thing last year.)
i asked how carter gets along with the other kids, because sometimes he can be shy, or get weird when he is intimidated by other boys that he doesn't know that well. she said he does great playing with the boys in his class. that was good news too. i think social skills are just as important as academic ability.
he is currently reading above grade level and is at grade level in math. all good things!!!
i know lots of my blog tend to be about hadley, and that is because she is home with me the most, and doesn't get mad when i take her picture :) but it is great to have news to share about the boys too!
i am happy to report that carter had a great report card! he got mostly M's (meets grade level expectations) and some S's (meets and often goes beyond grade level expectations). she said that carter is a rule follower, and a role model for good behavior. he does exactly what is asked of him, and is very respectful. i know my kids are not perfect, but to hear that he is so good at school is great! (the funny thing is his kindergarten teacher said the same thing last year.)
i asked how carter gets along with the other kids, because sometimes he can be shy, or get weird when he is intimidated by other boys that he doesn't know that well. she said he does great playing with the boys in his class. that was good news too. i think social skills are just as important as academic ability.
he is currently reading above grade level and is at grade level in math. all good things!!!
i know lots of my blog tend to be about hadley, and that is because she is home with me the most, and doesn't get mad when i take her picture :) but it is great to have news to share about the boys too!
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Saturday, November 7, 2009
11 months
miss hadley is 11 months old... how crazy is that??? time is just flying by, and i am trying to enjoy every moment. she is such a wonderful girl!!! i love her to pieces!!!
hadley is so easy. goes with the flow, and is fine when we run around all day long, and just as happy when we spend the day in our pj's and play.
she is a good eater, and has 6 teeth now. she cruising the furniture pretty quickly these days, so walking shouldn't be too far away. but then again, who knows?
hadley still takes 2 naps a day, usually each is around 2 hours. she waves and says "hi" ALL DAY! it is so cute! it's a big hit when we are walking around target and she says "hi" to everyone who walks by. she can also say dada, and more. no mama yet!
she is quite busy, so her 11 month photo session today had to be quick...
hadley is so easy. goes with the flow, and is fine when we run around all day long, and just as happy when we spend the day in our pj's and play.
she is a good eater, and has 6 teeth now. she cruising the furniture pretty quickly these days, so walking shouldn't be too far away. but then again, who knows?
hadley still takes 2 naps a day, usually each is around 2 hours. she waves and says "hi" ALL DAY! it is so cute! it's a big hit when we are walking around target and she says "hi" to everyone who walks by. she can also say dada, and more. no mama yet!
she is quite busy, so her 11 month photo session today had to be quick...
Friday, November 6, 2009
3 things that are on my mind tonight...
1. i love my husband. he is a very predictable man. he is the type of guys who when he has something on his mind, he won't rest until it is resolved. for example, last year when i wanted to put candles in our windows for the holidays, and i was on the bed rest, i put craig on the job. he went out to about 5 different stores, and came home with an assortment of candle options. i liked the ones from Bed Bath & Beyond the best. they only had 2 in the store he went to. that did not stop him, oh no it didn't... my lovely husband went to every BB&B he could to find 8 more.
today when i opened the dishwasher it smelled. i have been having issues with this dishwater for quite awhile. so i emailed craig a picture of a new dishwasher that said "happy veteran's day". within a minute the phone rang, and it was craig. he was leaving work early and guess what? we bought a new dishwasher today. i figured it would be soon, but not so fast. oh, i can't wait until our new gets here!!!
2. H1N1 - am i the only one that is not freaking out? my neighbor (who is a wimpy guy), told craig that he has been up at night crying over the fear of his daughter dying. really dude??? even if you are, do you want to share it??? i felt better today when i got an email from the kids pediatrician.
Don't Let the Media Steal Your Emotions!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ask yourself this question: do you personally know someone who has died from H1N1? Chances are it is very unlikely (as opposed to 50 years ago when almost all of our parents knew people who had polio or bacterial meningitis).
Currently, a large amount of the anxiety around H1N1 is the direct result of a sensationalist media. The news instills fear by bringing dramatic stories into your living room (or onto your laptop), but in doing so, it significantly distorts reality. Every tragic story is played out on every media outlet. The chance of a healthy child dying from H1N1 is estimated to be somewhere between 1 in 13,000 and 1 in 26,000 children who contract H1N1. Your child's risk of dying in a car accident is much greater (~ 1 in 6,500).
The current issue of JAMA (the Journal of the American Medical Association) states that approximately two-thirds of all people dying from H1N1 were "high-risk" individuals with significant underlying disease. Perhaps more importantly, the death rate was lowest in patients under 18 years old!
Let's all step back and take a deep breath - DON'T LET THE PRESS CONTROL YOUR EMOTIONS!
3. what the hell is the 3rd thing that was on my mind??? oh yes, holiday dresses for hadley. there are so many options!!! and since she will be 1 next month (when did that happen?) she will wear it for her 1 year portraits. there was one i loved from gymboree, but i haven't really checked out all the stores. i may need to get my arse to the mall and look at them in person and not just online.
have a happy weekend!!!
1. i love my husband. he is a very predictable man. he is the type of guys who when he has something on his mind, he won't rest until it is resolved. for example, last year when i wanted to put candles in our windows for the holidays, and i was on the bed rest, i put craig on the job. he went out to about 5 different stores, and came home with an assortment of candle options. i liked the ones from Bed Bath & Beyond the best. they only had 2 in the store he went to. that did not stop him, oh no it didn't... my lovely husband went to every BB&B he could to find 8 more.
today when i opened the dishwasher it smelled. i have been having issues with this dishwater for quite awhile. so i emailed craig a picture of a new dishwasher that said "happy veteran's day". within a minute the phone rang, and it was craig. he was leaving work early and guess what? we bought a new dishwasher today. i figured it would be soon, but not so fast. oh, i can't wait until our new gets here!!!
2. H1N1 - am i the only one that is not freaking out? my neighbor (who is a wimpy guy), told craig that he has been up at night crying over the fear of his daughter dying. really dude??? even if you are, do you want to share it??? i felt better today when i got an email from the kids pediatrician.
Don't Let the Media Steal Your Emotions!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ask yourself this question: do you personally know someone who has died from H1N1? Chances are it is very unlikely (as opposed to 50 years ago when almost all of our parents knew people who had polio or bacterial meningitis).
Currently, a large amount of the anxiety around H1N1 is the direct result of a sensationalist media. The news instills fear by bringing dramatic stories into your living room (or onto your laptop), but in doing so, it significantly distorts reality. Every tragic story is played out on every media outlet. The chance of a healthy child dying from H1N1 is estimated to be somewhere between 1 in 13,000 and 1 in 26,000 children who contract H1N1. Your child's risk of dying in a car accident is much greater (~ 1 in 6,500).
The current issue of JAMA (the Journal of the American Medical Association) states that approximately two-thirds of all people dying from H1N1 were "high-risk" individuals with significant underlying disease. Perhaps more importantly, the death rate was lowest in patients under 18 years old!
Let's all step back and take a deep breath - DON'T LET THE PRESS CONTROL YOUR EMOTIONS!
3. what the hell is the 3rd thing that was on my mind??? oh yes, holiday dresses for hadley. there are so many options!!! and since she will be 1 next month (when did that happen?) she will wear it for her 1 year portraits. there was one i loved from gymboree, but i haven't really checked out all the stores. i may need to get my arse to the mall and look at them in person and not just online.
have a happy weekend!!!
ok, the big question in our house... or at least in my head!
will the jacobs five, become the jacobs six??? and the answer... who knows! ha ha!
if you asked me anytime from after carter was born, until june the answer would have been yes, without a doubt. but then once school was out, and i had 3 kids home full time, i was exhausted!!! i was carter's personal driver, and the whole month of july carter did 1/2 day camps, and me, mason and hadley were always on the go. by the end of august i was really questioning what life would be like with 4 kids. then you add in sports, play dates, school projects, field trips, speech, etc. and it can really be a lot.
i really LOVE my life!!! i wouldn't change it for anything in the world. i thank god that i have craig, he is not only a great husband, but an amazing father. he is also my best friend and we really parent our kids well together. and at the end of the day, he cares how my day went.
there has been so many conversations in our house about our families future. i have asked friends for advice, and have read articles in magazines about the "perfect" family size. i am very content right now... but will i regret not having another baby? oh, and babies... i love them!!!! i am such a baby person. i love newborns!!! i work well on little sleep, and even though i haven't had the easiest pregnancies, i actually enjoyed being pregnant.
so for now, i still don't know what the future holds... i do know that i would love another baby and maybe i shouldn't think about it so much. i can't imagine doing any sort of fertility treatments/medication again, nor do i want to take out my fertility monitor and have "everything" be so timed and planned. maybe i won't really have too much of a say in this anyways. although i would like to think i have role in planning my future, i guess i can only say if or when i am ready for another baby, and then it is up to god, fate, science... whatever you call it, i can only do my part.
what i know for sure, is that i love my kids so much!!! i am so thankful for them... and what is a post w/out a picture???? (btw, in writing this post, i think i changed my mind about 5 times... LOL)
if you asked me anytime from after carter was born, until june the answer would have been yes, without a doubt. but then once school was out, and i had 3 kids home full time, i was exhausted!!! i was carter's personal driver, and the whole month of july carter did 1/2 day camps, and me, mason and hadley were always on the go. by the end of august i was really questioning what life would be like with 4 kids. then you add in sports, play dates, school projects, field trips, speech, etc. and it can really be a lot.
i really LOVE my life!!! i wouldn't change it for anything in the world. i thank god that i have craig, he is not only a great husband, but an amazing father. he is also my best friend and we really parent our kids well together. and at the end of the day, he cares how my day went.
there has been so many conversations in our house about our families future. i have asked friends for advice, and have read articles in magazines about the "perfect" family size. i am very content right now... but will i regret not having another baby? oh, and babies... i love them!!!! i am such a baby person. i love newborns!!! i work well on little sleep, and even though i haven't had the easiest pregnancies, i actually enjoyed being pregnant.
so for now, i still don't know what the future holds... i do know that i would love another baby and maybe i shouldn't think about it so much. i can't imagine doing any sort of fertility treatments/medication again, nor do i want to take out my fertility monitor and have "everything" be so timed and planned. maybe i won't really have too much of a say in this anyways. although i would like to think i have role in planning my future, i guess i can only say if or when i am ready for another baby, and then it is up to god, fate, science... whatever you call it, i can only do my part.
what i know for sure, is that i love my kids so much!!! i am so thankful for them... and what is a post w/out a picture???? (btw, in writing this post, i think i changed my mind about 5 times... LOL)
Monday, November 2, 2009
Trick or Treat
the kids had a great halloween!!! we went to visit auntie, uncle phil and avery to see them before it was time to go out trick or treating. avery was a very cute bumblebee and auntie is ready to have her baby!!! the weather was perfect and the kids really enjoyed playing outside.
then we headed over to the pacheco's. since our neighborhood only has 4 houses, we figured it would be more fun for the kids to go out with their friends. miss hadley stayed in with me and jen and helped pass out candy. the kids were so tired, and only managed to do a fraction of their neighborhood. we went home, gave the kids a bath, and put them to bed before 8:00. craig and i then ordered a pizza and enjoyed a quiet night.
here's a small confession - i don't like halloween. it is my least favorite holiday. mason asked why some moms dress up but i don't... i felt a little bad, but i really just don't like it. we will never be the family who is all coordinated in our costumes. carter doesn't like dressing up either. he won't wear anything with a mask... that is why he was superman and not batman.
next up, thanksgiving... and i love thanksgiving. all my favorite foods!!!! and starting to plan miss hadley's 1st birthday party!!!! happy november!!!!
p.s. today is andra's due date and we are all waiting for that baby!!!!
then we headed over to the pacheco's. since our neighborhood only has 4 houses, we figured it would be more fun for the kids to go out with their friends. miss hadley stayed in with me and jen and helped pass out candy. the kids were so tired, and only managed to do a fraction of their neighborhood. we went home, gave the kids a bath, and put them to bed before 8:00. craig and i then ordered a pizza and enjoyed a quiet night.
here's a small confession - i don't like halloween. it is my least favorite holiday. mason asked why some moms dress up but i don't... i felt a little bad, but i really just don't like it. we will never be the family who is all coordinated in our costumes. carter doesn't like dressing up either. he won't wear anything with a mask... that is why he was superman and not batman.
next up, thanksgiving... and i love thanksgiving. all my favorite foods!!!! and starting to plan miss hadley's 1st birthday party!!!! happy november!!!!
p.s. today is andra's due date and we are all waiting for that baby!!!!
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