it's over...

today i went in for my follow up u/s and it did not go well. as soon as she put the wand in, i could tell that the baby was the same size it was last time. usually the first thing they do is show you the heartbeat so you can relax and then they go along with all the measurements. well, i couldn't see a heartbeat, and she was quick looking around my uterus, and then she turned off the monitor and told me she was sorry.

tears starting flowing, and craig and i just sat in silence. i was told to get dressed and she would find a doctor. a few minutes later i was asked to go into an exam room and wait for the doctor. dr. kattal came in, and this was the first time i met her. she did an internal exam and then gave us our options.

both craig and i decided we wanted to do the d&c. the idea of having a m/c at home just didn't seem appealing to me. and since i still have my pregnancy symptoms, and nature doesn't seem to be taking its course, the d&c will get things over with faster. i really just want to move on.

i cried the whole ride home, and craig went back to his office and packed up and came home soon after me. once home i had to call my mom and break the news to her.

this was one of the hardest phone calls i have ever made. i was crying when i called, so she couldn't understand me. finally i had to tell her that i was pregnant and had a miscarriage all in the same conversation. i felt so bad for her... she was shocked, and sad, and didn't really get exactly what was going on. i had to tell her we were going to surprise her with the pregnancy news at christmas, but today i found out that the baby passed away. i also had to tell her that the pregnancy was a surprise to us... my mom is the best. she just kept telling me she was sorry and that she would do whatever i needed. i finally got off the phone with her and told her i would give her time to process everything.

so tomorrow my parents are coming down to watch the kids, then craig and i will be heading to the hospital for the d&c. it is scheduled for 1:30 pm. i am sad that i won't be up for celebrating x-mas eve. we got the boys a wii, and were going to give it to them on x-mas eve and make breakfast for dinner. now, who knows what the night will be like.

my parents were going to come down friday for christmas, but i told them to just bring all the presents tomorrow and let the kids have fun opening them.

i also got a call from georgia (my doctor) who was on-call at the hospital. it was so nice to hear from her. she just told me how sorry she was for us, and it doesn't matter that i have 3 kids, that it still hurts. she also agreed that the d&c was the best option for me. it was just very comforting to get a call from her.

so, this is not the christmas i had hoped for. i am sad, and depressed, but i need to move on and be strong for carter, mason and hadley. i want to make sure they have an amazing christmas and vacation.

Merry Christmas!