Back to School

10 Misconceptions of Moms and Back-to-school

Misconception Number 1: Moms miss their kids when they go back to school .
Seriously. I’ve had enough of you by now. Every morning with the “what are
we going to do today, Mom?” is finally over. I’ve had looked at your face
twenty-four seven for the last 77 days. It’s time to go learn something. No
more asking me about the pool, when is the next snack or if you can stay up
late and watch a movie. It’s over….There is a Christmas morning for parents and it’s
called “back to school”.

Misconception Number 2: Moms like to go school shopping. Are you freaking
kidding me? Why do I pay taxes?…so I can rack up a 200 dollar bill at
Staples for crap that we have laying around my house in junk drawers. Why
does it have to be new pencils? What’s wrong with the chewed up, broken
strawberry shortcake pencils sitting in the bottom of the toy box for the
last 6 months? And how many subject books can you possibly need? What
happened to reading, writing and arithmetic. If they added a couple of
things for parents to that list I wouldn’t mind so much….why not pencils,
erasers and vodka …..or some Nyquil.

Misconception Number 3: Moms like back to school night. Why must we do this
every year? I got it already. You’re the teacher…I’m the parent. My kid is
either going to be smart or dumb. If he gets a certain number or colored
dot on his discipline chart, he can’t get a prize from the prize box.
Pretty simple stuff. Listen, I’m pretty old school. If he doesn’t listen to
you…you can throw something at him. I don’t care. But I got a lot of work
to do at home and I’m paying a babysitter right now. Plus, I’m pretty sure
you are going to assign some project on wigwams made by some Indian tribe
I’ve never heard of, so I need to get home and start my research. So, I got
it. We’re all here for the betterment of the kids. Blah Blah Blah. Can I
leave now?

Misconception Number 4: Moms like school paperwork. How many trees are
you planning on killing to tell me the same stuff I had to pay a babysitter
to listen to the other night? You know our name, where we live and our
emergency phone numbers. He doesn’t have a nickname….call him “stinkbutt”
for all I care. We don’t have any “special circumstances” that you need to
know about. He lives in a home with two parents who may or may not like
each other at any given time and they will fight. If that qualifies as a
reason he can’t get his homework done on time then he won’t be able to
function as an adult and have a real job so you may want to “educate” him
on that life lesson.

Misconception Number 5: Moms like covering books in that annoying sticky
paper. What exactly will you be doing with these books that I have to
cover them in a plastic laminate? Do you often teach in the rain? Or while
the children are drinking soda and eating soup? Do you know how long that
takes? Has any parent in the history of education been able to do it
without any air bubbles in it? From now on I’m covering it the old
way…brown paper bags. That way I can cover the books and pack their lunches
at that same time. Who says moms can’t multitask? PS. Please tell my son
if he can’t find his lunch to look in his science book.

Misconception Number 6: Moms like helping you with your homework. What? I
am scared out of my mind. I’m pretty sure that I forgot everything I
learned in fifth grade by the time I was in sixth grade. I have no idea
what you are talking about most days. I don’t really know my 12 times
tables, I read the cliff notes to all your summer reading and I don’t know
how to conjugate anything but I do know that song “conjuction junction
what’s your function” if that helps at all. And please don’t even say the
words “new math” to me. What the heck was wrong the old one?

Misconception Number 7: Moms can’t wait to pack your lunch every day until
we die. I hate doing laundry. Making dinner every night is the bane of my
existence, so making your lunch every day for an entire year, in terms of
“mom fun”, lies somewhere between brushing plaque off the dogs teeth and
scheduling my annual pap smear. Listen, as a child I hated what my mom
packed me for lunch. But, like every kid before me, and every generation to
come you will find a kid to trade with…I’m sure someone likes sardines.

Misconception Number 8: Moms love after school activities. I don’t know
who made up this idea of organized clubs and sports but they should be the
ones in charge of carting your ass around. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not
against all after school programs. I just wish they would offer it during
hours that would work best for me so that dinner wasn’t at 8:30 at night
followed by 4 hours of homework. Why not do it on the weekends and call it
“after-hours activities” so mommy and daddy could actually go out one night
and pretend that we have a life of our own. Don’t worry about us though I’m
sure that me and “what’s his name” will be married a very long time.

Misconception Number 9: Moms don’t mind taking you to school if you miss
the bus . Your bus comes at 7:10 am….which means that you should be
standing by the door at 7:05 am. Not eating breakfast, chasing the dog
around the house or in the bathroom, asking me to check your homework while
I’m taking a shower. Get it together! I don’t like running down the street
in my jammies at 7:12 screaming , “Please wait” or “If you stop , I’ll
show you my boobies.”

Misconception Number 10: Moms cry on your first day of school . We do cry
but they are tears of joy. I have done my job. I have successfully kept a
human child alive for at least 5 years without doing any major damage.
Motherhood is the hardest job in the world!! Sure, doctors save lives and
CEO’s run million dollar businesses but…you teach a kid not to poop their
pants and then you can say you’ve made the world a better place